Unloved in Norfolk

Dear Aunty Agatha,
My husband and I have been married for 5 years, but unfortunately things are not the same as they used to be.  We used to go out and spend time with friends, but now he just wants to sit at home in front of the TV all the time.  I feel like the spice has gone out of our marriage, and when I think about spending the rest of my life like this I want to scream.  He always said he wanted to start a family but he keeps putting it off, and now I feel like I don't know the person I married any more.  Please help me Aunty.


- Unloved in Norfolk.


Dear Unloved in Norfolk,
Well my little lamb, sounds like you've got yourself into a pickle.  Usually people have been married for at least 10 years before the puppy-eyed romance turns into dog-eared mutual loathing.  When two people share their lives together there will be inevitable ups and downs, twists and turns, sling-shots and punch-ups, but rest assured women have been combating the symptoms of marriage-coma for centuries, so you are not alone.

The first thing you need to do is accept that things between you will never return to those passionate rolling-in-the-haystack days, because they are for younger, healthier and better-looking people than you my dear.  After you have accepted that, then you can start to plan how you are going to cope with living with a husband-shaped lump for the rest of your life.

The most important thing you need to do is create a buffer between you, so that you never have to have a full-blown discussion about your day at work, your in-laws, your friends or your feelings ever again. The best way for you to do this would be to sabotage your contraception immediately.  Did you know that if you poke a needle through a condom package a few times you can't see the holes (unless you scrutinize it under a light bulb)?  Have you thought about how easy it would be to hide your pill under your tongue each morning so that you can spit it out into your rhododendrons on your way out to the car when he isn't looking?  There are so many options for you sweetie, so don't despair.

Now the beauty of it is that after you have accidentally gotten yourself in the family way a few times, you will be so busy with football games, dance rehearsals and PTA meetings that you won't even have time to think about the days gone by when you used to be able to get through the day with a smile on your face without taking a few glugs from the bottle of vodka you have stashed behind the washing machine.

The key to it all is just accepting that you are in fact stuck with this man for the rest of your life, because there just aren't any decent men out there that will accept used goods like yourself my poppit.  Trust me petal, I've seen it countless times.

- Aunty Agatha  x

Desperate in Lincoln

Dear Aunty Agatha,
I have an 8 year old daughter that is constantly coming home swarming with head lice. I have tried every over the counter remedy and repellent known to man, and she still keeps getting them.  I spend at least two evenings a month combing her hair with a nit comb and applying foul smelling lotions.  Do you know of any repellents that actually work?


- Desperate in Lincoln.


Dear Desperate in Lincoln,
Have you tried having a stern talk with you precious little angel about cavorting behind the bike sheds with dirty little boys? The youth today have a wanton disregard for self-respect and it starts early.  Clearly, she has been rubbing up against filthy little creatures every day.  You need to take action before your little girl grows up to be a filthy lice-ridden prostitute turning tricks in dark alleyways to afford her heroin addiction.  What's the matter with you?  Can't you see the signs?  Oh sure, she's all smiles, cookies and Barbies to you, but have you looked into those eyes lately?  Those eyes have played a leading role in several advanced versions of 'I'll show you mine if you show me yours' let me tell you.

I know it must be awful for you to have such a bad apple living in your home, sharing your air and sullying your good name, but you must act fast to make sure your flesh and blood does not end up under the influence of the Devil.  Nobody wants a Devil Child, now do they?  Just think what the other parents on the PTA would think of you.

- Aunty Agatha  x

Alone in Peterborough

Dear Aunty Agatha,
I am a 38 year old single woman with a successful business and no children, but I have real problems getting a date. I have had a number of drunken liaisons that have never called me back, and all the men I know just see me as a friend. I really want to meet a special, caring kind of guy to share my life with. Please help me Aunty!


- Alone in Peterborough.


Dear Alone in Peterborough,
I'd like to start off by asking you a question: What kind of a man is going to be attracted to a 38 year old workaholic?  You ought to be proud of yourself really - not everyone is able to successfully repel every single eligible bachelor that comes their way for 38 god-damned long years.  The only conclusion I can feasibly reach is that you, my poor lamb, are physically very unattractive.  Seeing as your business is so successful, I would recommend that you invest in some plastic surgery to at least try and spruce yourself up a bit.  A bit of botox goes a long way these days, and chopping off any saggy skin from your chin or your eye-lids will certainly make you less hideous to the opposite sex.

Another easy way for you to avoid being rejected over and over again would be internet dating.  That way, you can correspond with someone until you can convince them you are a keeper without them actually having to see your unfortunately repugnant face.  Of course you will have to reveal the horrid truth at some point, but if you are a clever girl you can use your online typing skills to convince your prey that you are a catch before you have face to face contact.

And stop jumping into bed with drunkards, you silly girl.  In my day women had a lot more respect for themselves - even the ugly ones like you.

- Aunty Agatha  x