Alone in Peterborough

Dear Aunty Agatha,
I am a 38 year old single woman with a successful business and no children, but I have real problems getting a date. I have had a number of drunken liaisons that have never called me back, and all the men I know just see me as a friend. I really want to meet a special, caring kind of guy to share my life with. Please help me Aunty!


- Alone in Peterborough.


Dear Alone in Peterborough,
I'd like to start off by asking you a question: What kind of a man is going to be attracted to a 38 year old workaholic?  You ought to be proud of yourself really - not everyone is able to successfully repel every single eligible bachelor that comes their way for 38 god-damned long years.  The only conclusion I can feasibly reach is that you, my poor lamb, are physically very unattractive.  Seeing as your business is so successful, I would recommend that you invest in some plastic surgery to at least try and spruce yourself up a bit.  A bit of botox goes a long way these days, and chopping off any saggy skin from your chin or your eye-lids will certainly make you less hideous to the opposite sex.

Another easy way for you to avoid being rejected over and over again would be internet dating.  That way, you can correspond with someone until you can convince them you are a keeper without them actually having to see your unfortunately repugnant face.  Of course you will have to reveal the horrid truth at some point, but if you are a clever girl you can use your online typing skills to convince your prey that you are a catch before you have face to face contact.

And stop jumping into bed with drunkards, you silly girl.  In my day women had a lot more respect for themselves - even the ugly ones like you.

- Aunty Agatha  x