Unloved in Norfolk

Dear Aunty Agatha,
My husband and I have been married for 5 years, but unfortunately things are not the same as they used to be.  We used to go out and spend time with friends, but now he just wants to sit at home in front of the TV all the time.  I feel like the spice has gone out of our marriage, and when I think about spending the rest of my life like this I want to scream.  He always said he wanted to start a family but he keeps putting it off, and now I feel like I don't know the person I married any more.  Please help me Aunty.


- Unloved in Norfolk.


Dear Unloved in Norfolk,
Well my little lamb, sounds like you've got yourself into a pickle.  Usually people have been married for at least 10 years before the puppy-eyed romance turns into dog-eared mutual loathing.  When two people share their lives together there will be inevitable ups and downs, twists and turns, sling-shots and punch-ups, but rest assured women have been combating the symptoms of marriage-coma for centuries, so you are not alone.

The first thing you need to do is accept that things between you will never return to those passionate rolling-in-the-haystack days, because they are for younger, healthier and better-looking people than you my dear.  After you have accepted that, then you can start to plan how you are going to cope with living with a husband-shaped lump for the rest of your life.

The most important thing you need to do is create a buffer between you, so that you never have to have a full-blown discussion about your day at work, your in-laws, your friends or your feelings ever again. The best way for you to do this would be to sabotage your contraception immediately.  Did you know that if you poke a needle through a condom package a few times you can't see the holes (unless you scrutinize it under a light bulb)?  Have you thought about how easy it would be to hide your pill under your tongue each morning so that you can spit it out into your rhododendrons on your way out to the car when he isn't looking?  There are so many options for you sweetie, so don't despair.

Now the beauty of it is that after you have accidentally gotten yourself in the family way a few times, you will be so busy with football games, dance rehearsals and PTA meetings that you won't even have time to think about the days gone by when you used to be able to get through the day with a smile on your face without taking a few glugs from the bottle of vodka you have stashed behind the washing machine.

The key to it all is just accepting that you are in fact stuck with this man for the rest of your life, because there just aren't any decent men out there that will accept used goods like yourself my poppit.  Trust me petal, I've seen it countless times.

- Aunty Agatha  x